A Good Race for the GOP Finish Line? It’s Debatable.

Wednesday, Nov.28. Another GOP debate. I watched. Can’t help myself. It’s rather like going to Darlington or Charlotte for a NASCAR event. I settle in my seat, a drink handy, and wait for the green flag to drop.
What’s so addictive about these debates? Why the NASCAR comparison? It’s the certainty that some super-drivers are going to bump-draft the others, some are going to spin, some are going to blow an engine, some are going to wreck — and maybe take out a few others before they hit the wall.
This race was more remarkable for car trouble than for the big pile-up coming out of the fourth turn on the last lap. Romney, Giuliani and Thompson, running a little loose, got dinged. Paul, Tancredo and Hunter never quite got up to speed — not enough down-force. McCain only qualified as a past champion. Mike Huckabee skillfully avoided contact; no small feat when you consider he drove with one hand while waving happily to fans with the other; he’s mastered the outside groove.
There was a lot of spinning, some of it dangerous. Like when a young Muslim woman from Huntsville, Alabama asked the candidates what they would do to repair our image in the Arab world since the invasion and occupation of Iraq. A caution flag was in order. But Rudy put the pedal to the metal, invoked 9/11 and vowed to continue fighting the war on terror. He isn’t worried about what Islamic terrorists think (and apparently, they are the Arab world). Those are the folks, he says, “we want to offend.” McCain, who loves a fight to the finish, pledged to continue the surge because it’s working, we’re winning, and the troops love it. Duncan Hunter spun the full length of the track: Not only will he fight on, but those folks had better remember how we Americans tend to the world’s needs during disaster and never fail to defend the underdog. Dadgum. We’re darn near perfect and we don’t apologize. To anyone.
Engines sputtered like someone had laced the hi-test octane with water. Rudy sputtered over charges of financial hanky-panky when, as America’s Mayor, he charged New York for trips he made to the Hamptons while cheating on wife #2 with wife #3.
Mitt Romney, however, won the Goody’s Headache Award for poor engine performance.
On whether or not he believes the Bible, verbatim, is the literal word of God: “Absolutely....uh, er — yeah. Um — um — I maybe interpret it differently — um...” On torture: He refused to answer the question, “Is waterboarding torture?” He sputtered, spitting out the “no candidate should tell” national security spiel. McCain bumped him from the rear; it’s a yes or no question, a defining position and military experts in interrogation say it’s torture. Period.
On the issue of gays and lesbians serving in the military: In ‘94, it seems Romney said he looked forward to the day they could serve with honor and dignity. Now he’s against it. When moderator Anderson Cooper reminded him of his prior position, Mitt’s engine misfired so badly his car flip-flopped down the back straightaway.
It wasn’t much of a race. Most of the cars are back in the shop getting realigned, getting engines rebuilt, their carburetors cleaned out. The winner? Mike Huckabee. For surviving without incident.

— Linda Hansen