Heaven’s Scent and Heaven Sent

We’re Americans. We may not know what a “carbon footprint” is, we may not know the difference between a Sunni and a Shi’ite, we may not know why grossly profitable oil companies get subsidies ... but we darn well know our rights. We’ll sue anybody, anywhere, about anything.
Eighty-one year old Charles Lewitzke, a proud resident of Milwaukee, Wisconsin, is suing the makers of Brut (the men’s cologne) and Wal-Mart for unspecified damages. Seems the poor guy splashed Brut all over himself, then lit a match. He caught fire, suffering burns over 30% of his body. While the cologne bottle does sport a warning label: Flammable. Do not use while smoking or near open flame, Mr. Lewitzke’s attorney believes there’s a case to be made for his client. “Our view is,” the lawyer states, “there is no warning that after you apply it you remain flammable for some period of time. You aren’t thinking, ‘I’m still flammable’.”
Mr. Lewitske is suing Brut for not warning him sufficiently, for making the stuff and Wal-Mart for selling it. No word, as yet, as to whether or not the match maker might be included in the suit.
Meanwhile, in the great state of Nebraska, another lawsuit is underway. State Senator Ernie Chambers (no party) is suing God. Chambers, the longest serving senator in Nebraska history, has been known to routinely skip morning prayers during the legislative session. He has been, they say, openly critical of Christians.
God, as defendant in the good senator’s lawsuit, stands accused of having made terrorist threats against the senator and his constituents, inspired fear and caused “...widespread death, destruction and terrorization of millions upon millions of the Earth’s inhabitants... fearsome floods...horrendous hurricanes, terrifying tornadoes.”
He can sue God in Douglas County, Nebraska, the legislator claims, because He’s everywhere. Ernie Chambers is seeking a permanent injunction against Almighty God.
He’s really doing this, he says, to make the point that anyone can file a lawsuit against anyone else. He’s hopping mad because a woman recently filed suit against the judge presiding over her sexual assault case. She’s the one who was assaulted. The judge barred the use of words such as “rape” and “victim” in the trial. The woman claims the judge has violated her right to free speech in court.
No wonder Sen. Chambers is in such a snit — mad enough to sue the Almighty to prove his point. We can’t have some silly sexual assault plaintiff demanding the words “rape” and “victim” be used in open court. What would people think? And she’s suing. She’s suing the judge who ruled out inflammatory words and declared a mistrial in July because “pre-trial publicity made it impossible to gather enough impartial jurors.”
When does the word flammable cease to mean flammable? How far does a warning label have to go? How can Wal-Mart sell dangerous products to the unwary? How does the defense depose God? Will He be forced to appear in court to defend Himself?
Anchoring the word jurisprudence is the inferred “prudent.” There oughta be a law.

Linda Hansen has been a published working writer and poet for over twenty years. She has a love/hate relationship with politics.