Poll Dancing: questions, answers and the naked truth
2008 looms large. Another national election, another chance to have our voices heard. As soon as we know what we think. What we want. Who we want to give us what we want for four years. It’s all so confusing during primary season. Too many choices. Like a huge menu in a Chinese restaurant: nine or ten entrees in Column A, at least that many in Column B. What are we in the mood for?
Thank God for polls. We see, hear, read poll results everyday. They tell us who’s in, who’s out, who’s sinking fast. If most people polled support, say, Giuliani over McCain or Clinton over Obama, we don’t have to think too hard. Most people must be right. So we simply hop on the bandwagon. Trouble is, we don’t know who “most people” are. How many of us ever get polled? Sometimes I feel left out.
Until the second week in July. It was, at last, my turn. I was polled by the folks at Rasmussen Reports. They’ve been tracking elections for over a decade. They are, they tell me, very accurate. I am, of course, thrilled. I like accuracy — and I get to be one of the most people crowd. I take a deep breath, get my trigger finger poised to press #1 or #2 on my touchtone. First I must answer the usual stuff: My age, sex, race, income, party of choice. Now the fun begins.
“Press #1 if you feel the country is on the right track. Press #2 if you feel we’re off-course.” That one’s easy.
Now it gets complicated.
“Hillary Clinton chose to stay with her husband despite his infidelity. Does this make you more likely to vote for her (press #1) or less likely to vote for her (press #2)?” I’m stuck. There’s no “If you don’t give a rat’s patootie what she decided to do about her marriage, press #3” option.
It gets worse.
“If Dick Cheney needed a kidney and asked you for one of yours, would you say ‘Yes’ (press #1) or ‘No’ (press #2). There’s no “If you’re using your kidney but would humanely advise him to drink more water and pray for him, press #3” option. Truth is, I can’t stand the guy — but I wouldn’t kill him. I did, however, press #2.
Then this:
“Are you afraid of circus clowns? Press #1 for ‘Yes.’ Press #2 for ‘No.’” What the —? What do circus clowns have to do with elections? Is there a bona fide phobia involved here? I press #2. The best thing — at a circus — is a good clown.
I’m done. They thank me and disconnect. I Google “psychology: fear of clowns” to figure out what my answer meant. There is a phobia. Seems the exaggerated-happy-face clown who smiles while he beats up a smaller clown or kicks a dog scares some folks. They don’t know what evil lurks behind that big, red smile. I should have pressed #1.
The only candidate mentioned in the Rasmussen Poll was Hillary Clinton. The only issue, her marriage. The only repub mentioned was Dick Cheney— well, Cheney’s kidney. And the clown? Not sure about him. I think, maybe, he’s the scary guy in the Oval Office. One wrong answer and I skewed the poll. I’m terrified of clowns.
Linda Hansen has been a published working writer and poet for over twenty years. She has a love/hate relationship with politics.
2 comments:
Clowns rather scare me too, Linda, unless they are made out of glass, the easier to shatter the painted grins off their faces!
Linda Hansen's column in this week's paper was a surprise. For such a tolerant liberal, she certainly has a good time making fun of Mitt Romney's religion. I thought we were all supposed to respect each other's religious beliefs. Mr. Romney has had only one wife, yet Ms. Hansen refers to polygamy. As Mr. Romney is not polygamous, I see no reason to bring it up. I'm also highly amused by her description of the blonde who supported Mr. Romney. Has Ms. Hansen not heard of "Obama Girl" or "Guiliani Girl"?
Be fair, Ms. Hansen. If you're going to target religion, let's talk about Obama's Muslim roots. After all, I've never heard of Mormon terrorists. To my knowledge, Mormons are a fairly quiet group of moral, family-oriented people. If you target Romney's blonde, talk about the internet icons representing the other candidates. If you target the blonde's intentional misspelling, be sure to check your own columns for grammatical errors, such as the fragments you use for emphasis. I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt in assuming that you realize you write in fragments. Maybe you could extend the same courtesy to others.
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